Thursday, June 20, 2013

The Perils of Dieting

Jay and I have made a focused effort to lose weight. We're not terribly overweight people, but each of us has a spare tire that we'd like to see melt away using some simplified diet with minimal exercise.

Enter: The 3-Day Military Diet. The author (who heard about the diet from a "military gentleman" who spoke at her church) claimed that this diet would help you lose 10 pounds in 3 days. I had pinned this to my board a few weeks back, just to see what kind of food such a diet would require. Turns out, it's not a lot and it's all kind of bland. 

Just to be clear, I knew that this kind of weight loss was risky (and provided no science to back it up - other than the claim that chemical reaction of the food would allow for a faster metabolism). 10 pounds in 3 days is not natural, right? I mean, I've been the same weight for years. I thought about just working on my core, thighs and arms with exercise, but where's the adventure in that? I know exercise works...I just don't want to do it.

SO, in our lazy endeavor to become thinner, [and for science] we foraged at Kroger for the exact right food we needed and sallied forth on Monday for three days of torment. 

Day 1
Breakfast--1/2 Grapefruit, 1 Slice of Toast, 2 Tablespoons of Peanut Butter, and Coffee or Tea

This might not have been so bad if Kroger produce team members knew what a grapefruit was. They had no grapefruits, and we mistakenly bought oranges instead. So now we have 4 oranges sliced up in the fridge until we can eat them. We substituted the grapefruit for one glass of water with 1/2 teaspoon of baking soda.

Awesome. It tasted like alka-seltzer-vomit. You know what I'm talking about. We each ate half an orange and, voila! Grapefruit equivalent apparently.

Lunch--1/2 Cup of Tuna, 1 Slice of Toast, and Coffee or Tea (any brew, as long as it's caffeinated)

That's a whole can of tuna per person by the way, which is as much as we usually eat. So it was like having an open-faced tuna sandwich. YAY!

Dinner--3 ounces of any type of meat, 1 Cup of Green Beans, 1/2 Banana, 1 Small Apple, and 1 Cup of Vanilla Ice Cream 

By far the best meal of the day. When I was a kid I used to have banana and ice cream on shortbread because I didn't think I liked strawberries or whipped cream, so this was a welcome treat.

I laid down to go to bed on Monday night, and realized...



I was hungry. Really hungry. I hadn't snacked on anything the entire day and I was learning 
that much of my daily intake is snacking. I stayed up late with Jay, contemplating the 
consequences of my actions, waiting for breakfast, which was sort of disappointing.


***Side note - The website (that does not list its credentials anywhere, by the way. I know. Hypocritical English teacher not checking her sources) suggests drinking half of your body weight in ounces of water. So that's what we were doing all throughout that day in addition to the coffee and tea. After sharing this on Facebook, I was mostly met with concern from friends who actually know how their bodies work.



It was not hydration. It was potentially hyponatremia, which is overhydration and that's 
bad news. So I've cut it down to 64 oz a day, which is the recommended amount.

Back to the diet.

Day 2
Breakfast--1 egg, 1 Slice of Toast, and 1/2 Banana

Put the egg on the toast and wolfed down the banana. You may notice that coffee and tea are not included from here on. Only water. So what, right?



Water is boring. It's life-sustaining and amazing, but it tastes boring. I tried adding lime juice to it but it just makes it cloudy and funky. It wouldn't be so bad if I could also make myself a cup of tea or coffee...but I can't.

At this point I was learning that I dislike being restricted from what I can eat. Even if I don't necessarily want to eat something, I suddenly desire it because I can't have it.  I was suddenly struck with wanting a doughnut. I normally have doughnuts maybe once every few months when they are suddenly available at an event. But in my state of hunger I keep thinking, "I could just go out to Beck's and get a doughnut. I'm an adult. I have money. I can do that if I want to." That continues to be the most difficult part of the diet. Knowing that I can...but I can't.

Lunch--1 Cup of Cottage Cheese (Or 1 Slice of Cheddar Cheese), 1 Hard Boiled Egg, and 5 Saltine Crackers

Don't like cottage cheese. Put the slice of cheddar cheese on the crackers and ate the egg on its own. Jay made little saltine/cheese/egg things which was smart.

By then we were both getting hangry (anger brought on by hunger). We were short with each other and irritable. I knew it was going to happen. I'm actually surprised that it took that long for our inner two-year-olds to come out.

I took a mid-day nap in between lunch and dinner because I didn't want to be awake while I wasn't able to eat...re-read that. And here it is again: I didn't want to be awake while I wasn't able to eat. That's something Homer Simpson would say. That's sad. I KNOW it's sad. But not being allowed to eat ANYthing was stressful. And that's even sadder.

Dinner--2 Hot Dogs, (no buns), 1 Cup of Broccoli, 1/2 Cup of Carrots, 1/2 Banana, and 1/2 Cup of Vanilla Ice Cream

This was delicious and a welcome meal after a rough day.

The problem was...we were still hungry. It's amazing how the mere knowledge that we wouldn't be able to eat until breakfast the next day turned us against one another. We didn't full-on fight but there was tension:

I know he's hungry, because I'm hungry...but I want to complain to someone...but just bringing it up will remind him that he's hungry if he's forgotten about it...GOD I'm hungry!

We lazed around a lot this day. Jay seemed to be at a normal energy level but I definitely was not. I don't know if it was my shameful nap, but I was definitely weaker than usual. My mind wasn't functioning properly, and my speech felt kind of slurred. 



We each did a light work-out and then hit the pillows pretty hard that night.

Day 3
Breakfast--5 Saltine Crackers, 1 Slice of Cheddar Cheese, and 1 Small Apple

The author provided a big list of substitutions (that may not provide the same results). We looked at the regularly because I was not about to just eat a slice of cheese for breakfast. We substituted the cheese with 2 hard-boiled eggs. It was mediocre.

We took a nap. We. Took. A. Nap. At. 10:00. In. The. Morning. And we felt that we needed it. We were completely exhausted, just from waking up and eating. Jay was finally at my level of tired.

But then...

Sudden burst of energy! We went into the basement to try and clear it up (lots of boxes that were empty and lots of extra stuff that had no place when we moved). We encountered a hornet's nest in between the wood and the siding.



Jay sprayed it with Raid. We decided the basement could wait.

Lunch-1 Hard-Boiled Egg, and 1 Slice of Toast

I substituted  the egg with 5 oz of a Slim-Fast shake (I have those because I drink them for breakfast on early mornings. My stomach can't handle anything to heavy if it's still waking up). 

We went into town to kill time (and get shelves for that basement I mentioned earlier). Got home about 2 hours later, disappointed that we couldn't kill more time because, as I mentioned before, awake and unable to eat anything is apparently harder to handle than we thought.

The hardest part about leaving the apartment was that there was FOOD. EVERYWHERE. It's so easy to say, "Hey, wanna get something to eat?...Want Starbucks? Fries? A burger? A wrap?" We had to be really strong. Going into Target I was face-to-face with a Meg-sized sign of a Starbucks Frappucino. And it looked so good.

When we finally got home, we were wiped...again. We had every intention of going back into the basement and getting the mess that was once contained to a corner, and was now spread out, at least onto the shelves, but we didn't feel that we were physically capable. 

This isn't the normal laziness talking, either. Our bodies were feeling really strained. Jay napped and I Internet-ed.



We finally made it to...

Dinner--1 Cup of Tuna, 1/2 of a Banana, and 1 Cup of Vanilla Ice Cream

That's 2 cans of tuna each, ladies and gentlemen, and you bet your asses I put mayo in mine. Jay added mustard. Because tuna is not meant to be eaten alone like that. The ice cream and bananas, as always, was good.

Sleeping that night was like trying to sleep on Christmas Eve. There were visions of eggs and ketchup and toast and bacon and coffee dancing in my head. And just like Christmas day, there was a surprise when I woke up. Jay brought me the first 3 things in bed and it. was. amazing

So the diet is over. Total weight loss for me? Probably 5 pounds total, but I bet it all came back today. I'm meant to be at my weight, I guess. Jay lost the 10 for sure. The hard part for both of us will be to keep it off and to tone ourselves...

...which we should have just been doing in the first place.

Today we've eaten about as much as we had in the last three days, but it's not nearly as stressful between meals. We had choices again. We went to Subway and were just careful about what and how much we chose. I think that's the key.

Did we further science with this little adventure? I'm gonna go ahead and say "yes...but at what cost?" Probably my short-term well-being and health, but who really pays attention to that stuff anyway?